1/16/2019 0 Comments Dream Big Dreamer!Recently God has opened some new doors for me at my workplace, opportunity to travel the US. At first, I was hesitant. On the inside I was like fireworks exploding with joy at the opportunity, but in my head there was this voice. “What if you get there and realize you know nothing? What if you fail? Is God actually calling you to do this right now?” All of a sudden a giant bucket of water was poured over the firework set up and joy was stifled.
I spoke to a trusted friend about the new opportunity and it was like he started dreaming of the opportunities ahead of me. I had made a comment in an earlier conversation with him like “No, I just want a simple life where I can serve my family, church, and my community.” He brought this comment back to my remembrance and reminded me that God has not called me to just a simple life. This one opportunity could open the door for so many more ministry opportunities. What if I meet someone in the coffee shop in Alabama that needed to hear my testimony or feel the love of God through my actions and God is setting up that appointment through this? What if I need to encounter someone at work in North Carolina in order to take the next step God has for me? If I just settle for this simple life that I say I want, wouldn’t I be missing it completely? I was letting fear of failure, fear of judgement of others, fear of the unknown, fear of getting it wrong keep me from meeting these appointments provided by God. Why would I take that? Why would I let myself be oppressed by these fears? Why would I let anyone else tell me I am unqualified? I have this travel coffee mug that was given to me that is one of my favorites. Although it doesn’t hold much coffee and the gold paint is slowly fading and chipping away, I find myself using it frequently. On the mug is one of my “life verses”: “Perhaps this is the moment for which you have been created.” Esther 4:14 I am carrying around this mug with a daily reminder. Perhaps I do fail, perhaps I do hate it, perhaps I don’t know anything about this, but perhaps this is exactly the opportunity I was created for? If you know me, you probably know that one of my favorite activities is playing board games, maybe due to how competitive I am, but nevertheless, I love it. One of my favorites is connect 4. I always try to set myself up for the victory move, and when the timing is right, bam, hit them with the win. When I play my little brother, usually when he realizes what I’m about to do, he lets out a gasp because he knows what’s about to hit him. Perhaps that is what God is doing, perhaps He has spent the last few years setting up the three in a row and this is that final chip, and He is waiting to hit me with the victory move. The enemy is gasping, he knows what’s about to hit him. He would love for you to hesitate so that he can block that move. You have to decide, is it still your move or did you hesitate? I say all that to say this, STOP THE BUCKET!! Do not let that water destroy the joyous fireworks that are going off in your heart. Perhaps this is YOUR moment, perhaps this is your victory move. Do not hesitate. God has given you these dream seeds and no matter what lies are being whispered to you, stop them. Dream Big Dreamer.
0 Comments
1/15/2019 2 Comments I know girl!!I know girl,
I know where you’re at, I know you saw her instagram, I know you’re feeling a little less than, I know you feel alone, I know you don’t see why, I know that you’re confused, I know you’re hurting. … I know girl, I know that you have purpose, I know that you are called, I know God placed you in this moment, I know there is purpose behind pain, I know that He is before you, I know He is working it out, I know He loves you. I know where you’re at, maybe you suffered a huge loss, maybe you’ve been diagnosed with an illness, maybe you’re a single mom just trying your hardest. I know you saw her instagram, I know she makes it look perfect, but remember this is her highlight reel and she’s putting her best foot forward, not her real foot. I know you’re feeling less than, you’re still single among friends who are married with kids and find yourself wondering why you can’t seem to get it right. Or maybe she got the promotion you’ve been striving for. Perhaps you lose your temper sometimes and wonder how other moms seem to just adore their children when sometimes you hide in your closet just to breathe for a minute. I know you feel alone, you weren’t invited to the girls night, you couldn’t afford that vacation your friends went on, you heard your friends talking about you behind your back. I know you don’t see why, why did she have to die? Why do I keep failing? Why did I have to go through this? Why don't I see you? Why can't I just be done? Why aren't you taking this? I know that you’re confused, you thought you heard God’s voice and now it feels like life is imploding, you find yourself questioning how you got to where you are and wondering if there’s an easier way out. I know you’re hurting, you have been running for awhile now and you’re running out of breath. You find yourself crying more often, you don’t see the silver lining, but trust me girl, I know… I know that you have purpose because scripture says He has plans for your life, to prosper you not to harm you, that you were formed by action because He needed you and just when He felt you were exactly what He needed, He gave you life with His breath. I know that you are called, you are part of a generation, a royal priesthood, a chosen nation to proclaim the excellencies of the One who called you. I know God placed you in this moment, you’re on the boat in the middle of the storm, yet He is telling you to have faith because He who is within you will rebuke the winds when the time is right and calm the storm around you. I know there is purpose behind the pain, Let perseverance cause you to be mature and complete, not lacking anything. I know that He is before you, He will go as a consuming fire destroying and subduing what is coming against you. I know He is working it out, you love Him and we are promised that He works things out for the good of those who love Him. I know that He loves you, with an everlasting love. His heart is on you. So much that He laid down the ultimate gift before you through His own flesh, so don’t question that for a minute. Give yourself some grace. Because trust me… I know girl! 12/12/2018 0 Comments Dean's without dad.Hello readers!!
So sorry that it has been a while, school and work has not left much time for dreaming lately. I am on today though to update you on my current happenings! If you have been a reader for a bit now, you probably know that after losing our dad to cancer this summer, I decided to answer the call of God on my life. That has brought on so many new challenges. Doing anything within the will of God opens us up to an attack from the enemy right? I just finished up the first trimester of school, after much hard work an discipline, I acheived my first goal!! I was put on the dean's list after earning a 3.73 GPA. The day I got the award, I started out so happy and wanted to share with my parents. My mom and stepdad celebrated with me over text, and then reality struck. Dad... I can't call him. I drove to the church with tears streaming down my freshly painted face (thank you bare minerals). Here's the thing, I have never known grief like this. I have dealt with loss multiple times in life, but never like this. I found myself wondering if this was going to be my life now? Is every moment of joy and celebration going to be accompanied by sadness?! Will every cheer be dampened with tears that he isn't here to celebrate with us? Yes, a little bit. This is my reality now, he is not here. My dad is in heaven, I can say that confidently because of God. That is something worth celebrating, not everyone can say that confidently. However, that doesn't mean I won't miss him and I won't be sad. His birthday was on November 30th. With everything in me, I tried to hold it together. I had this desire to do something to celebrate the recognition of his birthday, but was also cripple by this fear of being huge for it. If you have known me for the past few years, you may know that my dad and I didn't always have a good relationship, we fought a lot and had many period where we did not speak. Yet, when we found out about his cancer and by the grace of God, we reconciled and our relationship was healed. Out of fear of what friends and family would say, I did not celebrate his birthday. I did what any college age girl would do, I cried, a lot, and then took a nap. I Woke up, had a cup of coffee, put my hair up, and then I did what I knew I should have done in the first place, I prayed. Being a Christian doesn't mean that loss doesn't hurt, but it does mean that I have hope, a relationship with the ultimate counselor, and I can get a hug from the greatest comforter. I know that dad and I will be reunited and we will get to celebrate many things for the rest of eternity. For now though, I will ask for a bit of grace as I learn to walk out the new journey I'm on. 10/3/2018 0 Comments The Desires of His heart.I have lived in Placerville my whole life. There’s this house that I have loved ever since I was a little girl. I would drive past this house almost every day. I always dreamed of a life that could be lived in it. A family with kids running the yard, a christmas tree in the arch window for all to see as they drive by, barbecues in the summer...
It seemed like the perfect dream house. I loved it so much that when I was 18 I started praying over it. I would pray every time I drove by it, "In the name of Jesus I pray I will own that house some day". Years passed and I seriously would still pray over it. And then one day it happened, the house went up for sale. I was shocked, I was in no position to buy a house, especially this one. If someone bought it now, it would be years before it went up for sale again. A little bummed, I let the dream go. Someone eventually bought the house and they began moving in. Shortly after they bought the house, they put this black fence around the yard, put these ugly statues up, and painted the house mint green. It is awful. They ruined the beautiful house. Psalm 37:4-5 says "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this" I used to take this at face value, like, if I love God and take pleasure in Him, He will give me what I want. I began to grow in my relationship with God and I learned no that’s not quite it. As I grow in Him and He begins to renew me and make me more like Him, my desires change and become His desires Sometimes we see what other people have and it seems so great, their marriage, their family, their calling, and we want what they have. We pray for it, we watch it, we want it. It becomes our desire. But just like with the house time passes and we grow in the Lord and as we grow we noticed that thing that looked so perfect before, it changed as I did and now it doesn’t really look so perfect. It doesn’t really look like it’s for me. I don’t really want that anymore. And as we turn more to God, He aligns our dreams with His. I guess where I want to go with this is, don’t get distracted by the things around you that appear to be so perfect. As you turn and become more obedient to Gods will for your life, He will give you those desires that align with His will. You don’t want something that is not for you that will only make you struggle. 7/26/2018 0 Comments Pennies from Heaven...My family has this thing we do called "Pennies from Heaven."
It's when you find a coin on the ground, it's supposed to mean that someone in Heaven is thinking about you and wants you to know. I however, put my own twist on it. When making a big decision, I pray that God would send me a penny to give me confirmation. The first penny I got as confirmation, was when I had totaled my car. I was looking to purchase a new car and was in love with this beautiful white Jeep Patriot. I wanted to make sure that this was a good financial decision, so I prayed that God would send me a penny as confirmation. Right before we signed papers, my Aunt Debbie looked down and found a penny, she even said it was confirmation that this was it. The next, was when I signed the papers to move into my first apartment, I was worried about my new journey and my mom and I headed to the apartment to clean before moving in, I prayed again for confirmation and as she was sweeping the entry way to the apartment, she found a penny. The third, was when I had applied to a school I had been looking into, I had an interview for admissions, I got off the phone unsure of how it went and nervous, but I placed this whole process in God's hands. I had prayed that morning for confirmation that this was right, I got out of my car and as I looked down, there was a penny from Heaven. The last, is my personal favorite. If you've read my previous posts, you probably know that I lost my dad in May. (Yes, cancer sucks...) In July, we took our students to SLO to host camp for them. On the last evening, the message really hit home as loss was discussed. I was blessed enough to have a salvation talk with my dad last summer and he prayed a prayer of salvation and proclaimed that Jesus was his savior. Parents have this urge to protect their children from suffering and when he passed I just wasn't sure if he was saying all of that so that I could have peace or if he really believed it. I prayed that night at the altar, God, if my father is in heaven please give me confirmation tomorrow (send me a penny on our way home.) We finished our evening and headed to bed. then next morning we packed up to head home. When we got to our first rest stop, my little sissy asked me to buy her this play jewelry set, so I obliged. As I was putting it on her, I dropped the earring, when i bent down to pick it up, there it was, my penny from heaven. 6/24/2018 0 Comments Life even more upside down.It all started around Thanksgiving. I was having a terrible day and felt as though I was disappointing some important people in my life. I grabbed the phone and on any normal day I would have called my mom, but this time I called my dad. This was a step in and of itself, but my dad and I had a very good conversation. In it, he told me that I am a people-pleaser and that it probably had a lot to do with my anxiety. If you live with anxiety or ever have, the fear of disappointing someone can cause a full on attack. This is me. We continued to have a great conversation where he encouraged me to make my own decisions without considering who it could potentially disappoint. He talked about how the only person I was truly accountable to was God. I didn't know then how much this conversation would mean to me.
5/28/2018 0 Comments Fly away home.Tonight I was flying home from Phoenix and as I sat waiting for take-off I said my usual prayer and we went on. I started reading my book and the thought occurred to me that I can trust that my pilot wants to deliver us to our destination. Now, I have seen the inside of a cockpit and I know there are a lot of controls, buttons, and options for him to select. And then the thought continued, why am I so easily able to trust that the pilot wants to get me home safely, but every time I hit a little turbulence in my own life I get the urge to take control and select my own buttons in the cockpit of my life instead of letting God fly me? I know I am not the first one to have this thought, and I’m sure someone more eloquent has written about it before, but it really hit me. Now there are times in my life, most recently both of my dads being ill, that I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God was in control no matter what happened. That I didn’t need to run up to the cockpit and fly myself, I was able to know God was flying and He has been trained to fly my life. Yet when it comes to certain areas of my life like dating, friendships, career choices, life changing decisions, a little bit of turbulence and all of a sudden I think I’m the pilot. With the 9/11 incidence, the cockpit is very protected and locked down in the plane as it should be, but the cock pit in my own life has a lock of free will that I alone have the ability to unlock. The Bible says:
Proverbs 3:5-8 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones. Trust in the Lord with ALL of your heart, not just some things. It doesn’t say “Beckah, give God your sickness and education, but remain in control of your dating, your career, and life changing decisions”. It says not to lean on our understandings, we are just people with a mind that can wander a million different directions and come to no final conclusion because our minds can not comprehend the Lord’s ability. He will make straight your paths, when you lean on His direction, when you acknowledge Him in every aspect of your life, no matter how far off you have gotten in your own decisions, once you give him control of your flight again, He will make your path right. Be not wise in your own eyes, shut up, humble yourself, and recognize that the buttons of the cockpit in your life are far too extravagant and confusing for you to handle. Yet the man who created you and breathed life into your lungs, knows how each one works and is more than capable of selecting the one that fits your situation best. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshing to your bones, once you give Him control, you are able to open up your book and enjoy the journey, you are able to open up the shade of your window seat and enjoy the view of the life happening around you. You are able to close your eyes trust in God and know that He is in charge and control. You can rest assured that His goal is to get you to your destination with as little turbulence as possible. Maybe this thought came from a quote I read earlier this week that stated something like “if you can look at a puzzle and trust that the maker gave you ever piece of the puzzle to complete it, why can’t you trust God that every piece of your life is there for a reason”. But both are so genuine and urging to trust in God, because if you are trusting in any other pilot, you can’t be sure of the ride. So maybe you are like me and realize you are running to the cockpit in certain areas of your life, I would urge you to sit back, make your request known to God, and crack open a book and let Him do the flying, you won’t regret it. 5/25/2018 0 Comments Headed to the heat.If you have read my previous posts, you probably know that my dad has cancer, Pancreatic to be exact, stage 4 and moved to his liver. In late march, it was discovered that the chemo treatment was no longer working. I received the devastating news while at work. He told me that his doctor had discussed it with him and that his best option was to be placed on hospice care to be taken care of while he passed. I work in the medical field, so I knew that he didn't have much time left. I was now facing the beast of cancer and we really began the race against time. I prepared my life to be put on pause so that I could head to Arizona to help care for him. I was struggling on deciding when would be the best time to go, should I go now and face the potential of running out of time with him before he died, or should I hold off a little longer and risk him getting worse before I got there? I chose the date and it was settled. At this point, I was praying daily that he would hold on long enough for me to make it out there and see him. We were talking on the phone every two days so that I could try to gauge how he was doing.
May 9th, I was headed out to Arizona and would see him the 10th. I was prepared to spend the summer in Arizona to soak up as much time with him as I could because I knew it was something I could never get back. I pulled up to the house and my stomach was in knots. I knocked on the door, on the other side, I could hear an all to familiar sound. The clanking and creaking of a metal walker. I choked back tears when he answered the door. In front of me stood a man who was fighting the fight of his life and any normal person could see that he was worn. I walked him back to the couch and sat with him. He leaned over hugged me tight, kissed my cheek, and asked me to pray with him. It was my honor, as we sat there, to ask God for peace over the situation and within our family. That he would have no pain, and that the glory of God would shine through this all. I spent the next few days with my dad, praying for comfort, reflecting on his life, and doing whatever was needed of me. My dad told me that I should go spend some time with my brother and his family because there wasn't anything else to be done. I left Saturday afternoon to return Monday. I spent the night and went to church with my brother and his family. Monday morning around 9, I set off to head back to my dads. I called the house, they said that they would see me soon and to drive safe. When I pulled up to the house, there were a bunch of cars in the driveway and my stomach fell through my feet, I knew what this scene meant. There was a nurse out front and as I approached the house, I introduced myself as Ricks daughter and she warned me that they were preparing him. A sight I was familiar with due to my job. As tears started to overflow the brim of my eyelids, I swallowed hard and asked the nurse if he was gone. She paused and her hand went to cover her mouth and she apologized. That was it he was gone... In the time that it took me to get to his house from my brothers, my dad took his last breath and entered into eternity. I took the necessary steps and helped my stepmother inform the proper people starting with our immediate family. All while thinking, this cannot be real, we just spoke on the phone, my dad cannot be gone just like that. The harsh reality is that he is, but the amazing breath of fresh air is that we had talked about his salvation. We knew where he was going. He got to see face to face the creator and hear his name read aloud as he entered into eternity. This has most definitely been the hardest thing I have had to face, but the love and support of my friends and family has been incredible and kept us going. It's a strange thing to feel as we move forward in our lives, will the grandkids who got to meet him understand? How will we help the ones who won't get to meet him know of the man he was and how much he wished he could have met them? What will my life look like now without him in it? All I know is this... In the past year he did his best to right his wrongs, he connected with his children on a new level, and he never missed a chance to tell us ALL how much he loved us and that he was proud. My father, Rick Palen, will be missed by many and he will not be forgotten. He gave us some of our best memories and I can't wait to tell him how they lived on through our family. Love you dad. XOXO, your baby girl. 4/4/2018 0 Comments Infusion Confusion.“Hi, may I please speak with Beckah?” “This is she!” “Hi Beckah, this is your doctor, you were supposed to have an appointment this morning.” “Really, I don’t remember making one, are you sure?” “Yeah, it looks like a nurse made it for you after we got some labs back, I really need to speak with you regarding these.” What an awful feeling to feel as though you forgot an important appointment! “Is now a good time to discuss these?” “Sure!” “Your blood count has decreased significantly over the past few weeks; we would like you to come in for a blood transfusion as soon as possible, then we can treat with IV iron infusions.” “Wait, what?! What does that mean? They decreased significantly? Why?” “This usually indicates an internal GI bleed, but your scopes both came up normal. We aren’t really sure yet what is causing this, but your levels are dangerously low and we need to treat you for that now.” “So, I need a transfusion, you’re sure?” “Yes, your blood doesn’t have enough hemoglobin or iron. The hemoglobin is what delivers oxygen to your muscles. If you have nothing to deliver oxygen to your muscles, they can atrophy. Your heart is a muscle, your heart could stop.” And in that moment, I think it just about did… Let’s rewind a little bit. Have you ever had that twinge in your gut like something isn’t right, but you don’t yet know what it is? Like, something’s off, but you can’t put your finger on it? That’s where I was about a year ago. I was in the midst of chaos with my dad in the care facility, managing a full time job, school, and trying to maintain a normal social life. I had been getting sick a few days in a row and chalked it up to stress. Then I began getting light headed and the twinge hit. I was taking a midterm at school, when I decided that I had had enough of it. I took my exam and then I took myself to the ER. There they ran some tests and everything looked normal so I was sent home with a referral to a GI doctor. As time progressed, I noticed I was getting more tired, irritable, and that something still wasn’t right. Working in the medical field, I knew I needed to push my doctor a little harder to get what I felt I needed. That is what led up to the above phone call. Through more discussion with my doctor we found that I had been having low iron symptoms for quite a while, I just never knew that they were symptoms. I had heart palpitations, increased anxiety, fatigue, I could hear my heartbeat when I would lie down, I would chew on plastic, and so many other things. The problem was that it had been a long time of this problem and now we didn’t know why it was happening. As I followed up with the nurse I found out I would be going in every week for 6 weeks to have an infusion. So my journey began. I had great nurses who took amazing care of me and walked me through the whole process. Michelle was my main nurse and we got to know each other well during my short visits. She has so much compassion and you could tell she enjoyed her job. It meant a lot to me that she spoke to me with care while I was there. I know it’s not like it was a cancer treatment or like I had this big disease, but it still wasn’t a lot of fun. After the first infusions we tested my labs again and they had risen to decent levels. I felt great, I had energy, I was happy, and I felt on the normal end of things again. Weeks went by and I could feel myself digressing slowly. I contacted my doctor and was tested again. Much to my dismay, we found out that I had sunk back down to low levels. We decided it was time for another round. Back to the infusion room it was and another round of visits with Michelle. I finished round 2 about 2 weeks ago and my levels went up a little bit. I am under the care of a new doctor and will soon be seeing a hematologist to figure out why I am still losing blood without a bleed.
When I got these tattoos on my arms last January, I had just been through a hard break up, my dad was in the ICU, and our family was facing some other issues. I wanted to get them as a reminder that God uses our hurts and gives them purpose. That even in my pain, He will still have His way in my life. I knew that I wanted God to have my life, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I just didn’t know how badly I would need this reminder. Life has certainly gotten a lot more complicated, but God keeps showing me His glory in every situation. He keeps showing me His goodness and faithfulness. I snapped these pictures at my infusions because it was a reminder that even though in my flesh, I was facing these appointments alone, that God was with me every time and that He was going to bring glory to this situation. How ironic that I got these in the very spot that I would have blood drawn and IVs pushed! What a reminder for my life. Yes, the weekly infusions suck. Yes, it was uncomfortable to be a pin cushion. Yes, I had a lot of things I would have rather been doing. The reality is that this is the walk I am facing and in that walk, God is telling me that my life is His. This is not a story of confusion or defeat, this is a story of promise. 7/4/2017 1 Comment Limitless.If you live in norther California, you may have heard of a local place called Leoni Meadows. If not, you should visit it, like put your phone down and go now! It's a place up in the wilderness where they have built a lot of challenging obstacles, there's rock walls, a climbing obstacle, the leap of faith, the ledge, the swing, the zip lines, and my personal favorite, the suspended obstacle course. When I heard we were going on this trip, I signed up not so sure that I would end up going, but as time passed I felt like I needed to go and I needed to push myself beyond the limits that I felt were placed on me. I didn't lose 200lbs to have these bunding limits on my life. When we arrived, we went to the rock walls, which I got stuck on. Then we headed to the ledge which is literally a ledge way up on a tree. You climb up the tree for what feels like 800 feet, buts really not that far, and then you get hooked to an auto belay and you jump off...here's a photo: This was exciting and challenging, but to everyone's amazement, I did it! I then headed to the swing where the students cheered for me to go all the way to the top before pulling the rip cord. Of course I couldn't let them down (I also felt an urge to lead by example even though I was terrified). So up to the top I went, and WOOOOOO swinging away, I hit the branches of the tree, but the adrenaline rush was worth every second. Throughout the day we faced our fears, but I was in full suspense for what was ahead of us. At the end of the afternoon we were promised a shot at the suspended obstacle course, but I was sure I wouldn't make it 10 feet without failing. Why do we limit ourselves before anyone else does? Why in the world would I think of limiting my ability to challenge myself and push myself? Gosh, I wish I could forget everything the enemy has ever whispered to me that I can't do. I wish that for every whisper of doubt there is a promise. Wait what?! There is?! Yes, there is, for every fear and doubt that the devil whispers in your ear, our Heavenly Father has a promise. What asChristians do we constantly forget that? I headed in, began the first obstacle and made it to the first ledge. Whew...next obstacle, surrounded by netting to hold, okay. Next one NOPE. Turn around, then I did it, I prayed. "God, help. I want to do this I want to step out, I want to go past every limit and every fear, you told me that with you I can, you tell that I'm safe with you, so here I am." And bam confidence strikes. Right to the gut. I find myself on a tightrope crossing over a road with ropes that cross over so you have to step over them. Wait what? Who is this girl? You think I'm kidding? Look at this obstacle! Yes, it's high and long. And I began to complete almost ever obstacle. What a rush.
See, this isn't just a Leoni Meadows thing, this is a life thing. Yes this was a physical challenge. Every day the enemy will put challenges before you, maybe in your family, your friends, at school or at work. He will use anyone, anything and anywhere to bind you to fears and impossibility. But you need to know the God who has called you to go beyond what the enemy will use to defeat you. He calls you to be limitless, will you answer that? I don't regret a second of it... |
AuthorBeckah is a 26 year old woman who has a love for writing. After being told for years that she should write on a blog, she finally decided to dive in and start Life Upside Down where you can find her blog writings, funny and embarrassing real life stories, and scripture with encouraging messages. Categories |